Honorable Mention in the Franklin County Arts Council Writers Guild Carolina Writing Contest
For only four dollars get rid
of bugs, squeaky hinges, and your social anxiety
with this yellow can of aerosol miracle
that’s small enough to fit into
your pocket for any emergency.
Car falling into a lake. Check.
Breaking into your own house. Check.
Starting a fire. Check. Safecracking.
Removing pythons from your leg.
In case of zombie attack:
use the hinged straw for spraying in their eyes.
An aging MacGyver uses it for relieving arthritis,
extracting “Clinton/Gore” bumper stickers
and conditioning his cat’s fur.
Oh, genie, where were you these times?
Sleeping in my Mustang
because of a friend’s sticky lock.
Getting blamed for crashing
my family’s Commodore 64,
a clunky PC with power source issues.
Breaking my grandmother’s toilet lid
at age two. Embarrassing testimonials—be gone!
WD-40 will remove crayon marks and gum,
tame the ozone layer, purify water,
lubricate mankind for gender and racial parity,
in one squirt with a click
of an Amazon “buy” button.
Superman’s out of a job.